My TiVo has been recording a lot of gay-themed programming, especially from the Pride Month lineup on Sundance. Last night, for example, I finally saw the gay-themed All Over the Guy, written by and starring Dan Bucatinsky, and also starring Richard Ruccolo (one of the two cute guys from the TV series Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place).
Nearly a day later, I’m still not sure what I think about the movie, whether I “liked” it or not. There were times I was really angry and frustrated with both characters, even though I know they were intentional caricatures of patterns of behavior in and out of relationships for the sake of the story, wondering why the hell two people like them would continue to put up with one another. What probably has left me most ambivalent, though, was that I saw myself and some of my own self-destructive relationship-sabotaging behaviors not in either character alone–though I did identify with Eli much more–but to some degree in both, as I’ve also been guilty of Tom’s push-pull, “any guy who would want me must not be worth having” philosophy. Despite the romantic comic tone of the film, it was rather sobering to see myself so clearly at times in the dysfunctional relationship portrayed on the screen.
The timing also was interesting in that over the past couple of weeks I’ve often found myself thinking about the last guy I dated, for a month or so at the beginning of the year, and how the interactions and relationship between Eli and Tom offered some parallels to my own experience. At the time, I had been truly convinced that the timing was completely wrong, that he needed more separation from his dissolved marriage before embarking on a new relationship with me and more acknowledgement of his frequent and unmerited feelings of jealousy and anger, that we both also first needed to deal with our individual struggles with depression and anxiety, and that for these reasons we really were better off breaking up; but I also see now the ways in which I obviously was hurtful and intransigent and distant, though back then I focused mostly–though not solely–on his own sabotaging and contributory words and deeds. I was sorry then that it ended the way it did, but I think I’m even more regretful now; I’ve stayed on good terms with my other former boyfriends, usually remaining very close, in fact, yet in this case–with someone who may have been the best fit to my physical, intellectual and spiritual ideals–we spoke only once or twice after breaking up, and not at all after a couple of weeks had gone by.
So I’ve been thinking about attempting to reconnect, trying to re-establish the friendship. On the other hand, I also wonder if maybe this is more just a sentimentality born of my feelings of solitude, which recently have seemed more prevalent than usual; relationship envy, as more and more of my friends–even the ones I thought were confirmed bachelors–pair off; or maybe even just a form of spring fever compounded from not even going out and getting myself laid in lieu of finding love and commitment. But rather than continuing the second-guessing and assuming the grapes are sour, I may as well take the risk and give him a ring.