I didn’t post yesterday.
Had a reasonably good day at work, and the evening started off well, but I had a bizarre and rather extreme reaction to some things, in There, later in the evening, that left me angry, unhappy, and exhausted.
On the positive side, I’m not reacting to the whole Daniel/Josh thing anymore (and am not even sure whether it’s still going on: I’ve seen Daniel a few times in game recently, and never with Josh; rather, he seems to be flirting with a new set of guys this week). I’ve stopped caring whether or not they’re logged in, have stopped checking to see if they are or not, and even when faced with Daniel in a social situation, was able to be civil and conversational.
But I reacted way out of proportion to something else later involving, of all people, Roger and Lukas. There is beta testing voice chat within the game, but they only selected a few people to do so; nearly all of my friends were chosen, but I wasn’t. This has resulted, to some degree, in the formation of a new social distinction within the game; while you’re in text conversation with people, some of them are, at the same time, involved in a voice chat that you can’t participate in. On the one hand, it’s no different than a private IM group conversation, which I don’t have a problem with; on the other, some of the people involved keep talking about the fact that they have voice chat, even when in a public text conversation, and that annoys me.
I realize that it’s just envy, pure and simple, on my part, and not completely rational. It brings back some of the worst memories of places like high school, and being on the outside looking in.
The worst thing, though, was that it created a rift–though only temporarily–between Roger and me. He was chosen to test the voice chat, and doesn’t even like it. But he feels that he can’t talk to me about what he doesn’t like, because of the fact that I’m a little bitter about not having been asked to test it.
This came to a head last night, and unfortunately got tangled up with all the other issues he and I have in which I also feel on the outside. Roger loves me, truly; but it’s a situation that will continue, of necessity, without resolution, with me in the role of the other man, though without even the consolation (if such ever even really exists) of consummation.
I spiraled out of control, angry at him, angry at There, angry at the world, lonely and sad. He and I got through the emotion, eventually, ok… but it almost felt touch and go, which was very scary considering how solid our friendship has seemed since January (earlier we had some touch and go moments in TSO, before we reached our higher levels of trust and communication).
I was exhausted. By the time I’d finished talking with him, and then saying my goodnights to Lukas, Matt and Nathan, whom I’d left pretty abruptly when Roger and I needed to talk, it already was around 2am. And after that, I slept fitfully.
I got up at the usual time, but so exhausted, and wanted to stay home. But I kept telling myself that was irresponsible and ridiculous, so I started my morning routine. I showered, shaved, dressed, and fed Alex, and was in the hallway before deciding that I just couldn’t face the day. So I went back in, called in sick, and collapsed on the futon, where I watched a little TV until about 11, then slept until 2. The rest of the day and evening, I had an excruciating headache that only finally went away after dinner, Advil and a drink at the comedy show.
I’m feeling much better now. I had a great time at the show (I’ll post about that separately), and am feeling more even-tempered about There. It really wasn’t even about the voice chat, I don’t think; that was just a catalyst for my own insecurities about my relationships with Roger and Matt, and the current lack of existence of fulfilling social and love lives.